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Yvonne Miller

June 27, 2012

After reading some blogs I decided I should write something because I never see blogs about what I am going through. And I know there are other women like me, women who have lived for years keeping a secret with no one to talk to about it.

I was married for almost 35 years to a man who I loved and who loved me but finally chose to divorce me because he was gay. And yes I knew. For 30 years I knew. He knew he was different at a young age. At 16 he joined the church and did everything he could to live the commandments. He was told that if he went on a mission, married in the temple and did everything he could to be obedient this “feeling” would go away. Well he did all those things, and after 5 years of being married and 3 children later, he felt it wouldn’t “go away” and he told me.

Devastated, confused, scared, alone—these are just a few of the feelings I had. But he was a good man, a wonderful father, a worthy priesthood holder and we had been sealed in the temple and made covenants so I saw no reason to break up a family. In fact we had 2 more children.

So how did I deal with this secret for all these years? I talked a lot to the Lord. He was the only one I talked to about this and He is a good listener.

But after 35 years my husband couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t keep who he was a secret and so he, or I should say we, told our children. I was terrified. There was no going back. No second chance if things didn’t go well. No way to know what the next steps would be. A leap of faith into the dark pretty much sums it up. And it’s been a leap. No small hop, and it didn’t work out the way I thought it would. It led to divorce. Me divorced? I would drive around and say that word in my head and feel bewildered, baffled, and so very sad. This wasn’t how I pictured my life. None of it. I had been the beehive who did what she was asked. The laurel president who loved always attending young women and the college student who prayed and felt guided to marry a righteous man. This wasn’t supposed to happen to someone like me.

Some days I would pray that the Lord would just lift me so I could get to work, and make it through the day. And then at night I would realize that He completely carried me that day. He was and is constantly by my side. He sends angels to comfort and lift me. He sends blessings….buckets of them so that my life is overflowing with goodness. He healed my heart and most importantly brought me peace.

My former husband and I are friends now. How could we not be? Remember, he is a good man. I promised myself not to let anger ever divide my family or make my children feel like they had to choose. And great blessings have come because of that—like being able to come together for holidays and events and feel peace and harmony.

Christ begs us all to “come”. Who am I to say, “not you.” He is the healer, our Savior and in Him I can find joy. And I know whatever road my life takes, it will be good because He is there.

He has always been there.

For any other questions about this topic, feel free to contact Yvonne Miller at ymiller@mail.gotobai.com.