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DeAnne Flynn

August 29, 2012

This summer, I’ve had a frustrating problem.

Garden slugs.

Those slimy, track-leaving, plant-wreckers have been ruining my flowers. So I drove to a local garden shop, seeking professional advice on how to eradicate them.

The specialist just happened to know that I have a small dog and voiced sincere concern about my pet’s safety around slug bait.
“Do you know what you need?” she stated with confidence. “Beer.”

“Beer?” I questioned.

“Absolutely. Slugs love it. They’re drawn to it. Simply plant open, deep dishes of beer in your flowerbeds and those pesky slugs will fall into them and drown.

“Really?” I said hesitantly.

“Try it. You’ll see.”

Since the other sales associate strongly agreed, I decided to use this unorthodox advice. So on my way home from the temple the following morning, I stopped at the local 7-11 to buy some beer for my slugs.  I’ll admit, it felt weird.

While handing that can to the cashier to scan, I couldn’t help but imagine how I would feel if my neighbor, my bishop, or a friend had just casually strolled in and wanted to chat.

“I have a ‘beer prescription’ from the plant lady, “ I’d be tempted to tell them.

“I’m not buying this beer to drink--only to destroy,” I would say.

All the way home, I pondered this seemingly harmless scenario. After all, my conscience was clear.

But something about it seemed all-too-familiar – like that sketchy PG-13 movie I felt I needed to justify seeing to my family, those song lyrics my teens sometimes tell me they don’t actually hear, the gossip commonly repeated with the well-known phrase, “Now, don’t tell anyone BUT…”

Buying beer for slugs IS harmless, but I want to live my life in such a way that no explanations are necessary. Maybe that’s naïve, but at least I want to try.

You should know that the beer—to date—has attracted NO slugs.

Just my dog, Lucy.

Now I need some solid advice regarding an alcohol recovery program for dogs.