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Lisa King

September 04, 2012

I’m not sure why things are so much harder now – seven months after Aaron passed away, and eleven months after Noah passed away. Kobe, who is usually happy, has been cranky, angry and crying a lot.  He is usually so easy to get along with, but he has been testing my limits as he kicks, hits and screams at us.

When I send him to time out to think about what he did, he sits there screaming, “I’m just missing my Daddy so much!” When I tell him that it’s okay to miss Daddy, but it’s not okay to be naughty he then yells, “But now I’m missing Noah!” (Read more about sweet Kobe at my blog.)

I’m missing them both too.

So much.

Usually I feel like I’m coping okay, but this week I have also been cranky, angry and crying a lot. Sometimes I wish I could kick, hit and scream at something, but as a grown woman I know how to control my emotions a little better.

Each of my boys has been struggling more than usual this week.  It’s so hard to watch them grieve while I feel so swallowed up in grief myself. I feel like I have given so much to them over the past eleven months to help them get through, and it’s finally catching up with me.

Distractions only work for so long, before everything eventually catches up with you. And you realise that you can’t avoid it any longer.

For months, Jalen’s physical health has been suffering because of his emotional health.  And I’m having episodes where my heart starts racing all of a sudden and I feel very dizzy.

After seeing a doctor he confirmed it was from stress, and I went to the pharmacy to get some supplements to help settle it down.  As I explained to the pharmacist why I needed it, he told me that although they may help a little, grief is just something that we unfortunately have to go through, and things won’t get better just by taking a tablet.

I wish it was as easy as taking a tablet.  I wish I could give my boys something to magically take all the pain away. But I know that I have to teach them and remind them of why we are here on earth.   I have to teach them to have faith.

Richard C Edgley once said , “Because of the conflicts and challenges we face in today’s world, I wish to suggest a single choice—a choice of peace and protection and a choice that is appropriate for all. That choice is faith. Be aware that faith is not a free gift given without thought, desire, or effort. It does not come as the dew falls from heaven. The Savior said, ‘Come unto me’ and ‘Knock, and it shall be given you.’ These are action verbs—come, knock. They are choices. So I say, choose faith. Choose faith over doubt, choose faith over fear, choose faith over the unknown and the unseen, and choose faith over pessimism.”

I keep reminding my boys to choose to have faith that things are how they are meant to be, faith that things will get better. Faith over fear.

It doesn’t mean that we can’t be sad and angry and wish thing were different.  It doesn’t mean that I try to convince Kobe to stop missing his Daddy so much. Because we will always miss Aaron and Noah.  It just means that we have hope and faith for brighter days ahead.

As Joseph Smith said “At times we mourn, but we do not mourn as those without hope.”

Lisa King is a woman of faith with a zest for life who loves photography, chocolate, helping children with special needs and being a mum. TOFW first met Lisa at the Sydney, AU event in July 2011. We have been amazed at her ability to SEEK THE GOOD thru the trials that have come her way, including unexpectedly losing her son and husband within 4 months of each other. Lisa was born and raised, and continues to live in the beautiful area of Tasmania, AU and looks forward to the day when she can introduce her boys to Rexburg, Idaho, USA, where she has incredible memories of a year at college before returning to Australia where she met and married her sweetheart, the late Aaron King. To read more about Lisa, her family, and her journey, visit her blog.