I could not have been more shocked to discover my husband’s twenty-year addiction to pornography. I was devastated to learn this had been going on throughout our entire marriage and a million painful thoughts raced through my mind: “But, he served a mission!”, “He just baptized our daughter!”, “How could he lie to me for 10 years!?”, “What else has he lied about?”, “Does he even love me?”, “Had I made a mistake when I married him?”, “I have lived a righteous life and this isn’t fair”, and on and on.
My husband and I met with our Bishop that same day. Soon my husband was meeting with our bishop weekly and attending the LDS Addiction Recovery meeting for sexually addicted men in our area. He finally felt like his burden was being made light, but I felt like mine was more heavy than ever. I worried about my husband and was afraid of the decisions I would have to make if he were to relapse. We got rid of the computer and cable TV. I went through all of our movies and books and threw out anything that was remotely questionable. I felt safe in our home and at the temple, but going out in public where women do not always dress modestly was a concern, and I watched him closely whenever we left the house.
went on I felt increasingly more isolated. It seemed unfair that my husband had a support group to attend but I did not. I read the scriptures and prayed daily, attended the temple regularly and served others. I even read articles to help me understand the nature of addictions, but I still felt angry, sad and hopeless. I also began to doubt my ability to receive inspiration.
I started meeting with an LDS Family Services Counselor and a Women’s 12 Step PASG (Pornography Addiction Support Group) started in my area. I was nervous but so relieved to attend my first meeting, where I learned that as a consequence of my husband’s addiction I was suffering from a fatal form of “survival mode” known as “co-dependency” or “destructive dependency.” I thought that there was something I could do to save my husband from his addiction when in fact, no effort on my part could change him and trying to do so was only making my life crazy. I learned an important truth for women in my situation: “he has his recovery and I have mine.” I needed to “let go and let God.”
As I have worked toward my own recovery, I have come to see the role that Satan plays in my life. He knows my weaknesses (co-dependency, doubt, depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem) and he tries to sneak thoughts that lead to and feed those weaknesses into my mind every chance he can get! Over months of counseling and studying the 12 Steps, I have learned to recognize the thought patterns that Satan uses on me. As I’ve recognized these patterns, I’ve been able to make the conscious choice not to listen to him.
The LDS 12 Step Recovery Program has become my guide to putting my faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ into action. I have learned that in order for me to be happy, I have to focus on ME, the one person I have control over! I have learned to invite His healing power into my life by praying and reading my scriptures daily. And I have learned that my Heavenly Father knows exactly what experiences I need. He is sure to take me down more paths of breath-taking sorrow and beauty throughout my life, but I feel peace in knowing that although I may not know what my future holds, Heavenly Father does and he does not make mistakes.
